What NVC isn't
Compiled by Bill Huston
ip4noman at gmail / 607-321-7846
http://tinyurl.com/NVCisnt
(Based on Marshall Rosenberg's system of Non-violent Communications, see CNVC.org),
There is much literature about what IS NVC, feelings and needs cards, etc.
I think another helpful learning tool is a simple list of common examples of
what is NOT NVC.
That is, these are some pitfalls and traps to watch out for
when practicing NVC.
|
| NVC Model: Nonviolent, Connecting, Needs-serving Communication
| Not NVC: power-over, coercion, blame, traditional patterns of communication |
| Observation | | |
| Feelings | emotions authentic experience not just "in the head", helpful to connect these to the body we own our own feelings connected to needs feelings when needs met: amazed, confident, energetic, joyful, relieved, touched, comfortable, eager, hopeful, thankful, trustful feelings when needs are unmet: angry, confused,. disappointed, frustrated, sad, hopeless, annoyed, lonely, uncomfortable, etc. | |
|
| Nonviolent, Connecting, Needs-serving Communication -- NVC Model | Not NVC: power-over, coercion, blame, traditional patterns of communication |
| Needs | everything we do is to meet needs at the root of feelings life-serving universal life-energy expressing itself autonomy, integrity, celebration, interdependence, play, spiritual communion, physical nurturance | Domination-culture pseudo needs Requests / Strategy
- Attachment to a particular person
"I need you to ..."
To see someone else suffer, pay for what they did, etc. |
| Requests | clear, assertive, positive action language, specific that which would enrich life choice not a demand performed "with the joy of a child feeding a hungry duck" | no choice / demand / coercion Clue: feeling one must either Submit of Rebel DANGER: Amptsprache: choice-denying, responsibility-denying language. "I was just doing my job" Acting out of (or imposing) a sense of Duty or Obligation, Acting to seek a Reward, or fearing Punishment (or dispensing such) Acting out of Shame or Guilt (or dispensing such) |
|
| Nonviolent, Connecting, Needs-serving Communication -- NVC Model | Not NVC: power-over, coercion, blame, traditional patterns of communication |
| Empathy | honest expression, or deep listening holding space another's joy or pain listener may reflect to ensure connection self-empathy when you chose a strategy which didn't meet needs (Chooser/Educator model) | |
| Goals of Communication | | Gossip Apologies (contains a judgment of self) Lies, Sarcasm, Abuse Praise, Compliments, Flattery Blame, Criticize Disconnection: Monologues in Babble-on-ian The Game of "Who's Right" |
4 comments:
I've read 2 books about NVC and love it. I feel helped - and enthusiastic about it - to get up to speed with the practical application in absence of a trainer/role model. Your concise list of do's and don'ts is fulfilling my so far unmet need for a quick way of self evaluation and when my NVC application fails then this list helps to identify issues and solutions instead of lenghty searches in the books.
Thank you Bill for enriching my life.
Greetings from Vienna (Austria),
Hans
There's a guy sitting in jail who raped my son. This is no story. It's fact. Now tell me. According to NVC the guy didn't make my son feel anything. NVC says something about my son's feeling arising from not having his needs met. Please tell me how a thirty-three-year-old man rapes a five-year-old borderline autistic child while threatening to murder his mother and my son's feelings weren't caused by this man? I have to tell you, while I'd like to find value in this - I want to raise my kids in a peaceful way - it sounds like a lot of New Age nonsense to me.
Bill, thank you for this contribution to the NVC community.
and, i noticed referral to the model that Marshall Rosenberg originated as "Non-Violent Communication".
Would you be willing to use the signature mark of "Nonviolent Communication" from now on? I have found it is one way to offer clarification to people that there is reference to a specific model rather than a general term. Fulfilling this request will meet my need for order, clarity, respect, community.
@Senor Lopilopo
To answer your question, this video (NVC 4.3 starting at about 8:00) may help to clarify the NVC perspective on this. The answer continues in the following video (NVC 4.4 and your question might be most specifically answered at 2:27):
4.3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wN13KNP8xk&feature=related
And 4.4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XU2jMqFb0Xs&feature=related
Bill: Thank you for sharing these tables. It helped me tremendously to see the example of "what you did to me" with the illustration of words that end in -ed.
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