four connected poems

Out of the Body Experience

People out of their bodies
living in their heads,

all thoughts, opinions, evaluations, judgments,
diagnoses, theories, predictions, fantasies

not seeing what is really HERE-NOW,
lacking a vocabulary of the emotions,
leading to unconsciousness of the body.

Disconnection from the body
is disconnection with the experience of living.
This leads to all kinds of suffering.

People quite confused and deluded
about what will bring them happiness:

material wealth, relationships, sex,
status, approval, power
the craving to possess a perfect body,
attachment to various forms of identity.
the desire to be seen and heard, deeply,
to have one's contributions valued,
to be involved in important work,
to be nurtured, held, touched...

DUKKHA!

It's all a big heaping, steaming pile of dukkha.

A deep contemplation, a realization
of dukkha, anicca, anatman, sunyatta
suffering, impermanence, no-self, emptiness,
such a profound and complete understanding
brings happiness and freedom, says the Buddha.

Then, why this profound and complete sadness?

Alternation

To be, or not to be.
To exist, or not to exist.
To experience, be and do,
   or the alternative.

Alternation. Ambivalence.

In one moment,
I want the ego "me" to exist!
so that I can be in love!
So that I can sample all of the wonderful sensual pleasures in this place.
I want to be in love with myself, with the other, and with the Divine.
I want I to exist so that I can experience a deep connection
with a magnificent other.

Being alone,
I connect with my own body,
and with my emotions.
I connect with and notice this experience,
as it is right now.

I am noticing this intense heart pain now.
This ache in my head and in my belly,
this labored breathing,
I notice my thoughts,
my desire to be seen and heard,
to be nurtured and cared for,
to be appreciated for the sincerity of my efforts,
for my contributions to be valued.
This intense longing for real connection and for touch.

And now, a desire to shrivel up into nothingness
so that this body and voice
that so people seem so averse to, repelled by, disgusted by,
will no longer be a source of discomfort to so many
including myself.

Abandonment, betrayal, censorship, banishment, threatened,
being disregarded, neglected ignored,
to be the despicable one who no one wants.
over and over my entire life.
How many times?

Is this really truth?
Is this what I really see and feel?
The record seems to be very real.

Is this just thoughts? Is this just delusion?
Is this just a story I am telling myself?


The Outcast and the Dog

Perhaps my lesson in this life,
is to learn to be happy as the Outcast
The one whom no one wants around.

A dog accepts with gratitude
whatever scraps the master puts in his bowl.

So perhaps I should learn to accept with gratitude
whatever shit is thrown upon me in this life.
And practice universal compassion
in spite of it all.

And now, I will sit
and turn within.

--
Bill Huston                    WilliamAHuston@gmail.com
Binghamton NY
Phone: 607-321-7846

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